Where to Go for a

Full-Body Wellness Tune-Up

I didn’t fly twelve hours to SHA, a holistic wellness center in Alicante, Spain, for any big reason other than a
general tune-up. I’ve always been about a seven or eight out of ten on the scale of healthy. My biggest gripes
are that I have anxiety (but that’s only because I’m a human in 2019), and I have trouble sleeping (see
previous), and I drink too much wine (ditto). I brought some skin-tune-up essentials for my room and prepared
for some pampering and maybe a little tough love.

But after a few days of analysis and treatments that were unfathomably thorough—oh my god like
you can’t believe—from top to bottom, inside out, and any other way a person can be assessed, I learned some
things about myself.

  1. White House
    Lake Tahoe

  1. house
    house
  2. For one, I need to get a dog. A cat would be fine, too, but it needs to be a pet that is sweet and grounding and nonjudgmental. I feel like that rules out fish and hamsters. I also need to hug more
    trees. And I should consider tossing my shoes and walking barefoot for the foreseeable future because I am in danger of losing my connection to the earth. All that is the pleasant part.

    SHA Wellness Clinic is one of those rare places that’s almost impossible to describe because it’s unique. From the outside, it looks like the villa of a Greek shipping tycoon, but on the inside, it’s
    part spa, part medical treatment center, part cooking school, part hotel, and a few other parts I didn’t have time to explore. It’s where people come to reset—how big a reset is up to you and SHA—for a
    week, two weeks, sometimes a month or more. It’s also where people come to shuffle around in plush white robes and slippers and lie by the pool feeling unjudged.

    During my stay at SHA, I also learned that my heart is blocked, not in a cardiology way, but emotionally. This rings true because my mother recently passed away,

    and there are many issues that refuse to go away. And my left rotator cuff is such a mess that the physical therapist I met started shaking his head and reverted back to
    Spanish. Also my Chinese energy score is so embarrassingly low, I can’t even tell you what it is. Fine, you dragged it out of me: a shameful -10. I need to start taking St. John’s Wort, but
    really who doesn’t? But I haven’t even told you the most troubling part: I’m full of air. Not hot air necessarily, just air and gas and more air. Anywhere a person can have air in their
    body, I have it, but in extraordinary amounts. (It might also have been the 146-hour plane ride here.)

    During my stay at SHA, I also learned that my heart is blocked, not in a cardiology way, but emotionally. This rings true because my mother recently passed away, and there are many issues that refuse to go away. And my left rotator cuff is such a mess that the physical therapist I met started shaking his head and reverted back to Spanish. Also my Chinese energy score is so embarrassingly low I can’t even tell you what it is. Fine, you dragged it out of me: a shameful -10. I need to start taking St. John’s Wort, but really who doesn’t? But I haven’t even told you the most troubling part: I’m full of air. Not hot air necessarily, just air and gas and more air. Anywhere a person can have air in their body, I have it, but in extraordinary amounts. (It might also have been the 146-hour plane ride
    here.)

  1. Lake Tahoe
    Lake Tahoe

  1. house
  2. I learned that I could be at risk for leaky gut (according to, of all things, deposits in my red blood cells). The right electromagnetic current—along with my special skin-care kit I packed—did wonders for
    my wrinkles. And I can’t tell you anything I learned in Watsu because I slept forty-eight out of the fifty minutes. My cognitive function is great. But that’s only if you don’t count my medium-term memory
    or my recall ability when I’m bored. (I’m not making this up: These things can be tested for.) But B-complex vitamins will help. And omega-3s. While we’re on the subject, we basically all need more of
    these. So naturally I’ll be renewing my Why Am I So Effing Tired? subscription.

  3. people doing yoga
  4. My days started with miso soup and ended with sauerkraut and other pickled things. And in between, I got to know myself—I mean on a deeply cellular level—in ways I never knew were possible. To give you a
    sense of exactly how seriously they take the “holistic” part, some—some—of the treatments I had during my stay were: a nutrition consultation, a general medical consultation, a neurocognitive
    assessment (my short-term memory is also in the garbage), cellular-bioanalysis consultation, revitalizing medicine, energy health, hydrocolon therapy (oh yes), acupuncture, a fitness assessment
    and consultation, craniosacral massage, and an alkaline cooking class. Oh, and yoga.

  5. The really good news is I had a weird, metallic taste in my mouth from my first full day there, which is a clear indication that my body was detoxing brilliantly. By my last day, I was sleeping ten hours
    (ten, people!), I was as unbloated as I’d never been in my life, and I swear I felt calmer, more centered. Maybe it was waking up to the Mediterranean every day, but I have a hunch there were larger
    forces at work.

    Will I carry all these gifts into my real life? I hope so. I’ll start every morning with miso soup. I’ll take my B vitamins and omegas religiously. And I’ll be barefoot as often as possible. But on the way to
    the airport, I wanted to stop for potato chips. Moderation, of course, is also necessary.

What to Pack


  1. goop wellness WHY AM I SO EFFING TIRED?
    goop wellness WHY AM I SO EFFING TIRED?

    goop Wellness
    WHY AM I SO EFFING TIRED?

    goop, $90/$75 with subscription


  2. Glacce bottle
    Glacce bottle

    Glacce
    bottle

    goop, $80


  3. Morgan Lane sleeping mask
    Morgan Lane sleeping mask

    Morgan Lane
    sleeping mask

    goop, $98


  4. Loup Charmant kaftan
    Loup Charmant kaftan

    Loup Charmant
    kaftan

    goop, $426


  5. Lunya tee
    Lunya tee

    Lunya
    Tee

    goop, $62


  6. Vaara leggings
    Vaara leggings

    Vaara
    Leggings

    goop, $165


  7. Vaara Pant Set
    Vaara Pant Set

    Vaara
    Pant Set

    goop, $238


  8. Morgan Lane sleeping mask
    Morgan Lane sleeping mask

    Morgan Lane
    Robe

    goop, $578


  9. G. Label Strappy Maillot
    G. Label Strappy Maillot

    G. Label
    Strappy Maillot

    goop, $285


  10. K Jacques sandals
    K Jacques sandals

    K Jacques
    sandals

    goop, $290